The bells are ringing at St. James some eight blocks away. It's incredible. I don't know how many bells they've got up there (they have TWO towers to hold them all) but the sound is amazing. I've lived here nearly a year and a half and never heard them before. I feel like I'm in England, somehow.
Hi y'all! Just a quick note to let you know that I'll be going home for Thanksgiving break and thus won't be updating much. Sum-up of today: B+ on political science paper (boo-yah!), did reasonably well on physics test, got shut down by ResLife&Housing. They really don't want us to move out. Will settle that upon our return. Sarah's coming home with me for Thanksgiving, and now, we're running out the door to catch the train!!
I just returned from a meeting with my history professor. She's great. She had emailed me wondering if everything was ok with me, to make sure I didn't have some major life issue I was dealing with that was preventing me from turning in my papers. I explained that that was not the case; that it was just a matter of my not understanding the assignments and being embarrassed to ask for help, especially after the original due date had passed. She was very understanding, and said that while she'll have to dock my grade on these papers, that as long as I get one in by tomorrow, she'll take the other one as long as I get it in by the end of the quarter. And what's more, she's only taking one letter grade off, so I could still theoretically get B+'s on them. I'm so relieved. Life seems manageable once more.
Unfortunately, Resident Life and Housing is being bastardly, refusing to allow Sarah and I to move off campus next quarter. They maintain that the housing agreement we signed in the fall applies to the whole year and thus we can't get out of it. They did, however, grant permission to other people we know. So I'm thinking that they just have to raise this initial fuss to try to keep numbers up in the dorms, since they've lost so many upperclassmen due to the mandatory $500 a quarter minimum meal plan. I think if we push it we should be able to get out of it fairly easily.
I've just returned from a weekend at home. I needed out, badly. School is really getting to me. The past month or so I've just been totally out of joint. I eat too much, drink too much (in theory I don't drink anymore, but put some rum in front of me, and I'm sure I'll cave, again), consume too much caffeine, spend too much time online, and watch too much TV. I spend too little time studying, going to classes, exercising, talking to my friends and family, and feeling relaxed. My sleep is totally out of whack. I'm back to not sleeping through the nights, and I'm adding to that never going to bed before 2, and often sleeping through most of the day. I feel somehow very odd, as if this isn't really my body, this isn't really my life, that sooner or later I'm going to wake up and realize that everything is fine. AA exhorts you to live one day at a time, as though two or three were an option. I can't see beyond this moment. Sooner or later, it's all going to come crashing down on me disastrously, and I can't seem to make myself fight it. I've never really screwed up my life on a grand scale. I'm a big believer in letting kids make their own mistakes growing up, and it seems that the people in my life are letting me make mine. I'm finding out more and more how I can't seem to do things the easy way, how I need to find the limits of what I can get away with. I've always known I wasn't grown up yet, but I keep finding new examples that prove it.
Ugh. I hate myself when I'm in one of these moods. Funny Rena is so much more pleasant to be around, and more pleasant to be. But I can't be her all the time. And if I let this frustration out here, maybe I can be decent around people, eh?
I'm going to go fix myself something to eat and make a list for myself of how to start digging myself out of this rapidly deepening hole I'm making. Lists make me feel like I'm in control again, like putting things down on paper puts me infinitely closer to resolution.
I cannot write this paper. There are simply not enough hours, not enough energy on my part, not enough information in front of me to accomplish this task. And yet, I can't not write this paper. If I don't do this paper, I essentially guarantee a poor grade in this already-difficult class. If I do poorly in this class, along with my others, I lose my scholarships. If I lose my scholarships, I can no longer afford to go here. And so onward I will struggle.
Thanks to Strong Bad, I now have a new theme song:
And I don't care how they spell things on the internet
When you email me, you spell the whole word out.
And I don't care that your cell phone has a camera in it.
Aww....it quit. Now it's just raining. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Great big white flakes. I did run outside and giggle and dance in the snow for a few minutes, along with everyone else in my building. Then it turned to drizzle. But snow like this so early in the season I take as an omen of more to come.
Good lord, everyone is so freakin' loud around here! People keep running up and down the hall shrieking. Can we grow up? Plus, it's 10:30 at night. I know I'll be up another two hours, but then, I have no early classes. Even so, it would be nice to be able to write my essay in peace. I have to say, I won't be brokenhearted at moving out of the dorm next month.
Speaking of moving out, we talked to the landlord and everything's a go. She gave us a sample rentor's agreement, showed us the bills for what she's paid for utilities in the unit over the last year, and told us we could start using storage space in the basement (even for the couch!) in December when we move out of the dorms even though we won't be moving into the apartment until January 1st. Plus it turns out she's this really great crazy cat lady. She has two cats now, so the apartment is all set up for cats, but she told us she doesn't want us getting a cat unless we're"going to take care of it for the whole life of the kitty." She's so sweet. It's all great.
It's rumored to be snowing back home. Here we only got some slush--the kind that looks like rain but actually is frozen right up until it hits the ground, where it melts immediately. I have high hopes, however, for better snow this year than last.
I slept for 14 out of the last 24 hours (11 hours at night + 3 hour nap), and I really needed it after not sleeping Monday night. Finished that paper, by the way. It was totally long enough, and I had a slammin' conclusion, but I might not have stuck as closely as the prof would have liked to the oh-so-very-high-school assignment outline (compare and contrast with regards to these three main points that I shall tell you in the assignment so that you don't have to do any real thinking). Anyhow, I hope that turns out OK. At 25% of my grade in that class, it BETTER. Especially since that's the only one of my classes that I'm really on top of things in. Physics has crossed the line into completely incomprehensible. I spent two hours this evening working on the problems for last chapter and I only successfully finished one problem. I nearly threw the book across the room in disgust. I really think I'm getting out just in time; definitely not signing up for any more physics classes. History is frustrating the hell out of me, and I keep blowing off assignments that I really should do. The worst part about that is that Earenfight was my one good reference at college, and now she'll think I'm a slacker. Or maybe she'll realize I'm human and I'm just having a rough quarter. I'm hoping for the latter.
So today I went to the Student Health Center to see about getting my back fixed up. For several days now I've been experiencing acute lower back pain anytime I bend my back. Rachel proposed that it was caused by my enormous breasts; the nurse practicioner decided it was probably a muscle injury caused by biking last week. She (the nurse practicioner, not Rachel) gave me anti-inflammitories (like mega-strength Aleve) for it, and so far they aren't really helping. I'll give it a couple days. Oh, and for anyone who happens to be an SU student, I highly recommend the Student Health Center. The people are friendly, the office visit is free, and the drugs are cheap. It's all much simpler and more pleasant than trying to deal with insurance and preferred providers and so on.
Speaking of recommendations, if you live locally, go see SU's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I've seen two live performances of MSND and countless film versions, and this one tops them all. The theatre department is advertising the play as "gender-bending fun," and it really is. There's quite a bit of cross-gender casting, but the actors play their roles straight: the male characters are still men, though they may be played by women, and so on. The show is in the Vashon Room in the Fine Arts building, and they've set up the black box room so that the action is in front, behind, to the sides, and above the audience, at different times. The costuming was great. And most importantly, this production restored the original overt sexuality of this play, and built on it. It was really refreshing to see playfulness and heat between the actors rather than more repression, since that's what MSND is really all about. So go see it. It plays at 7:30 through Saturday night, and at 2:30 Sat and Sun. Show up half an hour early or call ahead to get tickets; this play is selling out every night.
When it's slighly foggy out, West Seattle and the Olympics disappear and the gray water of Elliot Bay fades into the sky. On a moderately foggy day, it's a sheet of solid white behind the skyscrapers. On a very foggy day, like today, downtown's tall buildings just a few blocks away are fuzzy, and dissolve upward into apparent nothingness, like ladders into the heavens. It's beautiful. And then there's the rain. It's been raining lightly but steadily all morning, and all I have to say about that is it's about darn time.
The other day, Sarah and I went to Value Village, and once again cleaned up on good deals. I scored a like-new pair of Gap jeans for $7, a striped tank top for 99 cents, and an Old Navy sweater that fits me perfectlyand is brand new--the tag was still attached!--for $6. Sarah got a large assortment of great skirts, pants, and tops, some of which she dyed pink in the washer but most of those recovered nicely. So we washed all our new clothes, and I'm folding them now. My new jeans, I noticed, even after washing smelled strongly of black pepper. So I Febreezed the hell out of them. Now the room smells like Febreeze and is giving me a headache. And somewhere under the Febreeze is a lingering whiff of pepper. Or maybe I'm hallucinating. Did the lights just blink? Man, a power outage would be way cool. Hopefully it would get me out of writing the paper that's due tomorrow. But then, it would be way dark in here, and we're not allowed to have candles. I'd be doing my reading by flashlight, for as long as the batteries held out.
Oh, and a word of warning: never buy sugar-free juice drinks. Diet soda is fine, but the sweet-fake-juice-drink industry seems not to have mastered making sugar substitutes not taste oddly like chemicals. But am I going to finish the FUZE bottled juice drink with "sucralose" that I inadvertantly bought? Of course. I already paid my $1.69, and it's not costing me any calories to finish it. And the longer I drink this stuff, the longer I put off consuming the pint of Dreyers in my freezer. Of course, that'll probably happen late tonight under any circumstances, as I have a paper to write for which I have done only about half of the required readings. It's going to be a long night.
Ok, this post is for those of you who want to know what this "camp" I keep speaking of is all about. Camp isn't my whole life, but it's definitely one of the highlights. I figure I learn as much during a summer at camp as I do the whole rest of the year at college, only instead of learning about supply and demand, the founding fathers, and kinetic energy, I learn about leadership, spontaneous public speaking, customer service and hard work. And because most of you have never seen my camp, here are some pictures that I took from Chris's website: (1) arrival at Pigott Lodge, (2) the COPE Course (where I worked last summer), (3) the climbing tower, (4) rowing around Lake Omache, (5) rowing around the dining hall, (6) beautiful Lake Omache with the Cascades in the background, (7) Camp Brinkley Scoutcraft area, (8) kids at a campfire (this is what it's all about. Seriously.) Most of those pictures are from last summer, courtesy of Troop 324 of Shoreline. The Scoutcraft pictures are at least three years old, maybe more. But still good.
And an unrelated point: yeah, y'all are going to be hearing a lot about Chris, because I'm head over heels in love with him. But I promise this is not going to become one of THOSE blogs, where it becomes the only topic for discussion. And I'm gonna stick to that, because if I don't, Jules will probably disown me.
In other news, it really looks like the Sarahs and I are getting that apartment across the street, the great one I was talking about last week. We still have to hammer out details and do the paperwork, but the landlady has said definitively she wants to rent to us. We're very excited, and more than a little scared of what's ahead. I just know there's a million details we haven't considered yet. And moving out of the dorms puts us into the world of real life, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that much independence yet. Much as I decry the condescending attitude of Resident Life and Housing folks here, it's rather comforting to have everything taken care of. I'm approaching the future with a heavy dose of trepidation.
I met with my advisor today and we went over a lot of details about the history major, and I feel a lot better about things now. It looks like I can graduate two quarters early with a history major, poli sci minor, or if I stick around for my full senior year, I can double major or have two minors, or just take a bunch of electives and fun classes. So I'm feeling really positive about school long-term. Short-term, however, I have a lot of work to do for my current classes, including a paper I really have to do. So I'll wrap up this sneakingly rambling post.
So for those of you near me, you know the various levels of emotional turmoil I've put myself through the last month. And tonight I am so excited to report that CHRIS AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER!!! I can't express how excited I am about that. In many ways. Everything just seems to make sense again; everything seems right. I'm so very content.
Damn you, Blogger, and your list of recently published blogs. Many a valuable hour has been wasted investigating intriguing titles when I intended to only pop on momentarily for a quick update. And the worst part is that while there are a few really great blogs I've discovered that way (Middle Aged Man in Moderate Distress, and Madness to Your Method, for two), there are also many bad blogs, not at all worth the time to read, and a lot of borderline blogs. Those are the worst. Why? Because I take the time to try and determine whether that particular page is worth bookmarking, and usually I do bookmark it, and then have to check back to see if it still deserves to take up space in my Favorites menu. I get compulsive about my Favorites menu, and keeping it clean, tidy, and up-to-date. Sigh.
I'm betting most of you have the same problem I do: that one looming task that you really, really don't want to do. After a few days of putting it off, it becomes an impossibly awful undertaking, and you'd rather do anything but that one, horrible task that awaits. For me right now it's this damn history paper. It can't be so hard and so awful as I make it out to be. Unless it is. I've been putting it off for over a week now (past the deadline) but my prof says she'll still take it. That is, of course, if I can get past the dread. A hefty challenge.
OK, I know everybody who blogs is posting this link today (and I do mean EVERYBODY), but I'm doing it anyway: The Onion: Mom Finds Out About Blog. Sarah and I have been going through this lately. Every few days one or the other of us has an "ohmygod" moment where we realize we've been blogging about someone who may have access to this address. Personally, I'm more or less letting go and writing what I want to, because let's face it: ultimately this is my forum. And if anybody doesn't like what they read here, that's their issue. I hope. I'll try to be strong.
Oh, and are there any grammar nazis out there who can enlighten me on the correct usage of "anyway" and "anyways"?
Oh MAN we just checked out a great apartment! Rent is only 1050 a month (including water!) and there are three of us moving in. The main bedroom is HUGE and the kitchen is beautiful. The carpets are red. The tenent in the lower half of the building is a prof at SU. The landlady seems really nice. I'm SO excited about this place. She's going to let us know by the end of the week whether we can have the place or not. It's GREAT! I haven't eaten in 8 hours and I can hardly tell, due to all the excitement. Now cooking chili mac and hopefully calling the parents soon.
To any of you who have seen Return of Martin Guerre, oh man. The ending got me. I know, I'm a sucker for stuff like that, but whoa. I almost broke down right there in the library reserves section. If you haven't seen it yet, do. Gerard Depardieu is amazing, and his female costar is better. She shines.
UPDATE, 11/18/03, 9:51 am: The name of the French actress who plays Bertrande is Nathalie Baye.
Wishing doesn't make it so. If it did, I'd be in good shape. This morning I spent almost a half hour in the shower because I was brooding, daydreaming, wishing for something I can't control. I can't make him love me again if he doesn't; I can't make him make up his mind; I can't make him tell me how he feels, or doesn't. The not knowing is the hardest.
I've discovered over the last few weeks how true the idea of karma is. I think we all do get what we deserve. Life gives us the lessons we need to learn, and we get them again and again until we get the message. I've also finally reconciled the ideas of fate and free will in my mind. The way I figure it, God has a plan for each of us, a plan that provides us with the highest level of happiness and fulfillment in the long run. He gives us signs, like hints, for us to better choose that path. After that, it's up to us. We can choose happiness or not. If not, then we learn something and move on to the next choice, ideally. Philosophical peace is the result of all this madness? Perhaps. I'll see how it pans out over the next few months.
I feel much better. Probably the best I've felt emotionally in at least a week. Not everything is settled, but I'm heading the right direction at last. As some of you know, I decided conclusively a few days ago that I'm still in love with Chris and I miss him terribly. I talked to both guys today. Chris says he doesn't want to make any decisions about our relationship right now, that we should wait to decide anything until we see each other again. I imagine he had just got settled into not having a girlfriend, into not needing me, when I more or less blindsided him with this. Hopefully he'll come around sooner rather than later, because I miss him so terribly. He also seemed disproportionately pissed off at James, and I really don't know that the two of them will ever get past this. I told Jamie that I'm still in love with Chris, and he took it surprisingly well, or at least as well as could be expected. I told him I wished we could still be friends (for real!) so hopefully that works out. With all that out in the open, I feel really relieved. And hopefully Chris and I will work past all this recent craziness. (You don't know the half of it.) The conversation we had today was surprisingly not awkward after the first few minutes. I take it as a good sign.
Man, this was a full and varied weekend. And yes, this entry is mainly going to be a laundry list of what I've been up to. I apologize in advance; but I promise substance towards the end.
Friday James came over and we spent the afternoon together. And then we went and saw the new Matrix with Sarah and a bunch of other girls. Everyone in the theater kept laughing at serious moments, which really annoyed me. I mean, there were times where the writing was thick and melodramatic, but it had to be for the substance of the movie. And yeah, they laid on the symbolism a little thick, especially at the end, but I fell asleep, so I missed a lot of that. What can I say? The movie started at ten, making it rather late by the time it was over.
Saturday I worked. Then I hitched a ride home with the boss, and then went out to a movie with my best friends from high school. We saw Love, Actually, which is a really adorable romantic comedy. It has Hugh Grant (playing the new Prime Minister of England), Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman, Laura Linney, and Keira Knightley (of Pirates, and Bend it Like Beckham. I love being able to say I discovered her when she was still doing indie films.) Billy Bob Thornton puts in a guest appearance as the President of the United States, which I found hysterical. The movie was pretty classic sappy romance, but also very funny--actually funny, not just romantic-comedy-funny. All of you who are into chick flicks, drop everything and go see this movie.
After the movie we went to Denny's for dinner/breakfast and to put off going home as long as possible. I heard it said (or written, rather) that you never go to Denny's, you just end up there. That's more or less how it worked out. I got home at 1:30 AM, and my brother insisted I was coming back from a kegger. He and I then stayed up really late for no good reason.
Sunday we drove up to Seattle for the French/Spanish/Japanese/Chinese brunch. Delicious. So much good food in one place. Then Evan and I went back to my room to watch Celebrity Jeopardy. I took a nap. Evan played an online game. We watched Ocean's 11 and Evan fell asleep. And there went the afternoon.
Sunday night we went to the Five Iron Frenzy concert. They played Oh Canada and You can't handle this and Pre-ex girlfriend, among many others, so I was happy. The opening bands, Holland and Bleah, were pretty good too. My hearing has yet to return to normal. Still ringing. Is that normal? On the way home we bought milkshakes at Dick's Drive-In, funded almost entirely by change collected in the change drawer of my truck.
This morning, I slept until ten (boo-yah!) and then drove back up to college with my dad. So far today, I have yet to do any work, with the exception of going to physics class. Sarah and I had tortellini for lunch at 2:30 pm and watched Pirates of the Caribbean. And that brings us to now, more or less.
And now the serious part I promised. At some point in all this, I came to a solid conclusion. Yeah, I made a mistake that weekend at the wedding. The big mistake was thinking that it meant I didn't love Chris. Because I do. And as far as I can see, that's not going to change anytime soon. Which is too bad for James, though I have to say this turns out to be "sweet irony", as Sarah says. It wasn't my intent, but things have come full circle with him. Not totally sure how to break the bad news, but I'm definately going to tell him as soon as possible rather than let it slide like he did to me last spring.
As for Chris, I keep leaving messages for him, with no success yet. I can't figure out if he's just busy or if he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm really hoping it's the former, and I'm praying I'm not too late.
Are these guys for real? I'm mystified by the matrimony thong: "This uncomfortable undergarment will be a daily reminder to unmarried women to find a husband and a emergency moral reminder to her would-be-suitor. (For use under traditional underwear only.)" Wow. I can't believe they're serious. Do they expect to sell any of these? Or is it all a twisted joke?
Have any of you ever heard of National Novel Writing Month? Well, it's here, and almost a week of it has passed already! The basic concept is that you stop saying "someday I'll get around to writing that..." and actually do it. 50,000 words before Nov. 30, and you win. Along with many other aspiring novelists, I'm sure. It sounds crazy, and I REALLY don't have the time, but I'm also very much tempted. For a while I've been thinking to myself about how I don't do as much writing as I'd like. And this would spur me to actually write something, rather than wish I could write perfectly. Tonight, however, I can't start writing my novel, since I have to write an essay for my history class, on a chapter I haven't read. Starting late at night is what makes it challenging!
In other news, I have a monstrous cold sore on my upper lip. I'm doing everything I can to make it go away by Friday, but I don't see it happening. Sigh. At least it's no longer trying to take over my face, like it was yesterday and earlier today. It was a truly Napoleonic cold sore.
Oh, and does anyone have ideas of cool things to do in the city? I'm having people over from the far-off lands of the suburbs, and I'm looking for places to take them. Bonus points for free/cheap activities. I'm totally aware that the Space Needle is cool, but I'm a student, as are my friends, and we like to revel in the idea that we're poor.
The sun has set. It's gone down behind the Olympic foothills, out of sight, leaving behind a smoggy red smudge that fades upward into a butter yellow and pale denim sky. To the south a cobalt haze covers the industrial district. A sheet of seabirds dive and swoop back up, rehearsing their aeronautic performance. A car illegally passes a city bus, and nearly collides with the SUV he wasn't looking for. The construction workers have gone home, but the cubicle slaves stay on--and will for another three or four hours. My work has just begun.
I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the right things to say. Not just the right words to express something (though that certainly is a part of it) but what situations to describe and what events to relate. There simply is not enough time and space and energy within myself to tell all the stories I want to. So I have to make those decisions. Today I tried to make up my mind, and too much time has gone by and I still have written nothing. I'm moving on. Perhaps another day I will have come to terms with some of my issues and be able to write something useful here. By useful, I mean both entertaining for you and productive for me.
Brief summary of the weekend: Delightfully unproductive, very relaxing, did no homework whatsoever. This weekend complicated things somewhat, but other things became less complicated. Right now am very sleepy and contemplating heavily going straight to bed. More later, i.e. tomorrow.
