Have you all heard about Mike Rowe, the Canadian kid being sued by Microsoft for copyright infringement over his webpage, mikerowesoft.com? I think the whole thing is pretty funny. But it just keeps getting better. Now he's selling on e-Bay all the documents and correspondence with Microsoft. At the time of this posting, it's going for over $2,000. This is hysterical. I love it.
In other news, I've rediscovered reading for fun. When I was a kid, I read all the time, pretty much constantly, but when I got into high school and more so in college I spent so much time reading for class that in my free time I figured I should be doing something else. Except now we don't have TV, and I usually don't want to invest the time for a whole movie, and a lot of times I need something to kick back with for 20 or 30 minutes to relax. Right now I'm reading Bridget Jones' Diary, which is complete fluff, but I'm hooked. Next is going to be Ender's Game or maybe the Hitchhiker books.
I ran into my history professor today at a study-abroad fair, and we finally had the conversation I avoided the other day. What surprised me about that conversation was how little she cared about my changing my major. When I say that, I don't mean that she finds me insignificant, or that I'm just another student to her. She knows who I am and talks about me to other professors. At the end of our talk today she said I should come by her office whever I want to and talk about study abroad or whatever else I might want to talk about. I'd changed my academic focus away from her field, but she still appreciates me as an individual. This is a very exciting revelation, and one I really needed.
Today I blocked my time very carefully so as to get everything done in the available time, and I think I may actually stick to it. I'm a little behind in all my classes, but I AM catching up, slowly but surely. Right now the schedule says to go make some lunch, and I really can't say no to that.
I turned in my change of major form today. On my way up to the history department to get it signed by my former advisor, and again on the way out, I ran into my history professor. She's the one I had for two quarters in a row, the one who taught "How to be a history major, part one"--the class that made me realize that while I still love learning about history, I have no desire whatsoever to DO history. She was wrapped in a conversation with (presumably) another professor when I slipped past her and darted for the stairs on the way in. After getting the paperwork taken care of upstairs I carelessly took the elevator down, forgetting that she might still be in the atrium, talking to the same gentleman. And she was there when the elevator reached the ground floor, waiting to get into the elevator. I swept past her heading out of the building and got off with only hello and how are you before the elevator doors closed behind me.
I avoid confrontation at all costs, it's true; I'll even avoid friendly conversations when I'm not in the mood to spend the energy on interacting. Sometimes the people are too much for me, and I really need to just be comfortably ignored. Not even ignored, really, because "ignore" implies deliberate and directed disavowal. I think the word I'm looking for is neglect--to just be off the radar screen of people, another face in the crowd. I can't explain how great it is to have the apartment now and not have four dozen people living on the same floor as me, like it was in the dorms. In the new apartment, even if both my roommates are home and they have friends over, I can still isolate myself and have some space that's my own.
To be fair, I expect my history professor would be really understanding about my change of major. She'd probably first try to convince me I should stay with history, at least stick it out a while longer. She'd tell me I have great potential and I understand the abstract concepts better than my peers. But she's read my papers and she's read my journals, and she heard what I had to say on the debate on historical fiction. I think she'd be able to see that it makes sense. And if she couldn't realize it analytically, I think she'd see the new light that comes into my face when I talk about my lit class that was gone for so much of last quarter. And maybe she'd remember how she didn't get to history immediately, how she started out a science major, and she'd understand my need to try things out before finding what fits me best.
Oy. I had to give a presentation today in English about Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, which by the way is really and truly the best story I have read in a very long time. I adore it. And my partner and I were so caught up in how great the poem is and discussing all the very interesting questions and ideas it raises that we pretty much forgot to get stressed out over it. We lost a lot of sleep staying up and talking about it, but I really didn't feel anxious about the presentation at all. Until today. It started about fifteen minutes before class, and then the teacher decided we'd be giving our presentation at the end of class rather than the beginning, so it lasted a good solid two hours. And it's been over for a while, but I can't seem to keep my shoulders from staying stiff and raised up; I can't seem to breathe naturally. I'm like a big wad of stress that won't release. And my roommates are the same right now. We're all just about to explode with the pressures of this week, this innocuous third week of class.
I think I need a nap.
Meantime, here's your ultra-compact update on everything in my life:
1) We did get a new shower rod.
2) We have not yet cooked the turkey.
3) We did go to Goodwill and buy secondhand furniture, so our apartment is starting to feel full and lived-in. At the same time though, it's still pretty clean.
4) I haven't yet set up my computer in the apartment.
5) We have not made any move to get internet. I'm not addicted to it as I once was, and it's actually really nice not to need it. This gives me a whole heap of spare time.
6) Same with TV. We don't have one and we're not getting one.
7) ...although I've been watching a lot of Family Guy on Sarah's computer.
8) I made a hemp necklace the other day but don't know how to finish it.
9) Sarah brought me back a beaded necklace and bracelet from Africa. They're really pretty.
10) My friend who's studying abroad in Spain this year is spending her winter break touring coastal Italy and Greece, and during her Easter break she's heading for Morrocco. You cannot imagine how jealous I am.
And, to round things off, the first political post in ages. I am entirely shocked by the outcome of the Iowa caucauses, and oddly pleased that Dean, who I once endorsed, did not do nearly as well as everyone thought. It seems Kerry or Edwards may have a chance after all, which is fantastic. I love that it's now no longer a foregone conclusion that Dean is the man. I did pick Dean first, and I picked him long before he was popular. But I no longer support him. Ever see the movie Primary Colors? The main character in that movie is the campaign manager for an eerily Clintonesque candidate for president. He starts out fired up and excited to run the campaign, thinking that this candidate is real and true and something to believe in, but later finds out that he's really just like all the others. That's how I feel about Dean. His message resonated with me, but the more he tries to play up his moral high ground the falser it feels. I haven't picked a new candidate to support yet; I just kind of feel exhausted by the whole thing. Plus in Washington, there's no Democratic primary, just caucuses, so it would take a great deal of time and effort (and commitment) to get involved in this contest. Excuses all, I know, but I need them now. For those of you who are interested, the Iowa results were roughly 38% Kerry, 32% Edwards, 18% Dean, and 11% Gephardt. Clark and Lieberman officially did not compete in this caucus; we'll see them show up in later races. Gephardt is dropping out, but I think Kucinich and Sharpton are going to stick it out for a while, even though they know they won't be winning, because they both have unique messages to get out. And I've decided I don't really fault them for that. Kucinich is a kook, but he does have some good points that nobody else is brave enough to say. And no, this particular item wasn't so very brief, unless you compare it to the political post I wrote last October after watching a debate. That one was eleven paragraphs.
I don't know why my comments are gone, and I don't have the drive to figure it out today. If you want to post comments, please feel free to use the chatterbox, or email me with longer responses.
Today I walked out of my history class and didn't look back. Actually, that's only true in a figurative sense; I did as a matter of fact glance back into the classroom, but I then walked briskly to the computer lab, where I logged on and dropped the class. I figured out the amount of homework I haven't been getting done corresponds about exactly to the quantity of homework for one class, and that class happens to be history. For today's history class, I didn't even crack open the course packet until I sat down in the classroom. So I'm going forward with the English major, poli sci minor, which is great because neither of those are what I started here intending to major in. My mom will scold me for not finishing what I start, but sooner or later I've got to stop living my life for or against my parents, and do things because I want to.
To end on a light note, because that's my MO, a quick story about the apartment: Our landlady left a lot of little things in the apartment when she moved out, most of which are pretty nice, like the bookcases and an antique bench in the entryway. The shower rod, however, was not so nice. It's a couple inches too short for our bathtub, and the spring isn't powerful enough to compensate. At first, it would stay up for a day or two at a time unless someone hung a towel on it, or touched it at all. After it fell down a few times, though, it started staying up for shorter and shorter periods of time, until now, when it won't stay up long enough for us to leave the room. So for the past four or five days, we've been showering with no curtain. Which works okay, except that the bathroom gets really wet, which has already once made me slip and end up on my butt. And once when I was taking a bath, little Sarah walked in, not knowing I was in there, and got quite an eyeful--something that could have been prevented if we had an operational shower rod and curtain.
New Year's Resolutions 2004 1. I will write fewer blog posts of higher quality. If I don't have anything important or interesting to say, I will keep my damn mouth shut.
2. I will begin the readings for Monday's classes on Thursday and Friday, finishing the bulk of them before Sunday afternoon. Seriously.
3. I will get my ass up to camp and do some work there on weekends. They need the help and I need the hard work. And I will turn in my application for next summer and get that interview taken care of.
4. I will not make any hollow resolutions like "I will drink less coffee" or "I will lose ten pounds" because I understand that trying to follow these resolutions will not make me feel happier or more fulfilled.
5. I will eat more vegetables. No, this does not contradict #4, because I love vegetables. Yes, really. It's really just a matter of me getting my ass down to the market and buying them that is difficult.
6. I will not feel the need to keep going until I hit ten resolutions, just because that would make it a round number.
I wish I could just start in again, jovial as ever, as if there had been no lapse, no screaming silence. But there is too much that needs explaining and not enough answers to fill the empty space. I keep wishing I could begin again but I can't seem to find an opening line that isn't trite and vacuous. It's this feeling that things are hopelessly lost and can't be redeemed that has kept me from trying to renew past friendships, and it's a shadow of that that's kept me from posting during the past month.
I didn't post during the first two and a half weeks of Christmas break because I didn't have anything I wanted to say; or at least I didn't have anything I could express. I was also almost constantly in transit; I didn't sleep in the same bed for more than three nights in a row during the duration of that time. I spent a lot of time with Chris and his family, for which I make no apologies.
The first few days of January were dedicated to moving into my new apartment, which was an ordeal and a half and did generate several great anecdotes, none of which I've gotten around to writing down and/or posting. This past week was the first week of class. I'm taking 20 credits this quarter and don't have internet at the apartment, so you all will be seeing less of me over the coming weeks. This could be a good thing for me though, because maybe the lack of internet access will encourage me to think more as I'm composing things, and post fewer items of higher quality. That would be good news for those of you interested in good writing and bad news for anyone looking for banal details about my life. That will be #1 on my New Year's Resolutions List, which I will post in its entirety once I make some resolutions.
